Drunk and Disorderly
by 2Padfoot00Moony7
Summary: The stench of booze hit him immediately. Then Sirius’ ominous swaying. Torture to one is adventure to another. Or, well, a reason to laugh, at least. Crack!fic. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

**Drunk and Disorderly.**

* * *

Remus heard the all too-familiar roar of a motorbike engine as it made its way down his street and, undoubtedly, made its way to him. He groaned. And died a little inside. For there was only one motor-bike engine that sounded that obtuse and _goddamn annoying _and where that motorbike went, Sirius Black tended to follow.

And Sirius Black was not a good thing. Even during the day, Sirius Black wasn't something you wanted turning up on your doorstep. But at eleven o'clock at night... at eleven o'clock at night it spelt out **NIGHTMARE** in bold, capital letters that were a lurid fluorescent yellow.

The motorbike stopped and Remus chanced a glance outside his kitchen window. And sure enough, there he was, encased in black leather and looking extremely hot - the death-trap also known as Sirius Black.

Remus' left eye started twitching. _Something up there hated him. _He got to his feet, discarded his half-eaten toast in the bin –appetite long gone - and started pacing, waiting for the inevitable braying on his door-

_BANG! BANG! BANG! Tap! Tap!_

Ah- there. Swallowing several times and trying to steel himself for the torment that was sure to follow, Remus left the sanctity of his kitchen (he briefly contemplated ignoring the knocking but then remembering his living room window was open and was reminded of the last time he'd tried that) and hesitantly opening the door.

The stench of booze hit him immediately. Then Sirius' ominous swaying. His heart sank that little bit more. A _drunk _Sirius Black at eleven o'clock meant he wouldn't be sleeping for at least another four hours. "Black," he said curtly, gripping the door tightly, "What can I do for you?"

Sirius stared at him for a few seconds, looking adorably confused – as though he had no idea where he was – before he promptly bent over and threw up all over Remus' freshly washed welcoming mat.

And Remus' slippers.

Remus winced.

Sirius straightened back up, spotted Remus seemingly for the first time and threw himself at him, successfully rugby-tackling him to the floor and just narrowly missing the sick as they landed with a great deal of pain on Remus' side. Remus kicked the door shut with some effort whilst fending off Sirius whom, thinking he was Padfoot - at least, Remus _hoped _Sirius thought he was Padfoot – was trying to lick his face. Remus quickly cleaned the sick up with his wand when Sirius' foot landed dangerously close to it.

After managing to push Sirius off him, Remus got to his feet using the wall as a support and somehow dragged himself into the kitchen, trembling. Fumbling through a particular cupboard, he managed to tug out a bottle of well-hidden Firewhiskey and took a good, long drought to try and stop his shaking.

Once his throat screamed with the burning sensation and he'd quelled at least one of the butterflies in his stomach, he put the bottle back and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. Taking a deep breath, he turned round to face the horror currently leaning on his rickety old kitchen table and causing it to tip rather alarmingly.

"So, Sirius," he heard himself say, "What can I do for you at this – er - " the smile on his face faltered, "- lovely time of night."

Sirius scratched his cheek rather absentmindedly and then declared, "I've fallen out with Melissa!" He threw his arms back and upset that _oh so pretty _vase his mother had bought him for Christmas last last year.

"Oh."

Sirius continued talking in his overly loud voice, "She thinks I'm gay."

"Oh," Remus squeaked.

"In fact," Sirius leant over the table, sending Remus' earlier cup of tea crashing to the floor, "_I _think I might be gay!"

Remus shut his eyes, praying to God – or whoever was listening, really – to help him deal with the animagus and his funny turns – and that slight hint of hope Remus was _not _feeling at the moment.

"That's nice," Remus said in a faint sort of way, "But why are you _here?"_

Sirius looked all confused for a second before a bright, happy grin exploded its way onto his face. "Because – because I need you to help me figure out if I am!"

* * *

**This story will seven chapters long and each chapter is pretty short. I had a plot-bunny at four o'clock one morning. This is the result xD**

**Trust me, it has a few twists ^^**

**Well, I'm off to Africa tomorrow so I thought I'd post some stuff which is clogging up my laptop before I go. I did want to post some fluff but I don't have any on here /cry/ It's all on the other laptop!**

**'-._.-'-._Review_.-'-._.-'**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

When Remus slowly came to, it was to find himself _still _laid on his kitchen floor with a very-drunk Sirius _still _there. In fact, said very drunk Sirius was peering at him and poking him repeatedly in the side. He shut his eyes again. Dammit.

"Remus?" the very drunk Sirius said eventually, and a soft thump announced that he'd fallen over onto his backside, "Remus, wake up. Your kitchen's scary!"

Remus groaned inwardly. "How the hell can a kitchen be scary!?"

"The oven's looking at me like it wants to cook me!"

Remus bit his lip. He often wondered what went on inside Sirius' mind but then he'd very quickly decide his life was worth living and he really didn't, _didn't _want to know. "I'm pretty certain the oven doesn't want to cook you."

"Huh. Maybe the oven's not homicidal but the damn fridge is! Look at it! Glaring at me like that!"

Remus clapped a hand to his forehead, "Uhm, I don't think my fridge is homicidal, Sirius."

"Yeah, you won't be saying that when you see the way it's glaring at me!" Sirius gave a little growl – for the fridge's benefit, Remus hoped.

"Fridge's can't glare. Fridge's don't even have emotions!"

"Don't say that!" Sirius yelped, "You'll hurt his feelings!"

"My fridge is male? How can you even tell th- Actually, on second thoughts, don't tell me."

He cracked one eye open, just time to see Sirius nodding, "He's called Thomas."

Remus rolled over, groaning. "No wonder Melissa thought you were gay," he muttered, "Come on, you great ponce, you're having a cold shower."

"Hey! I'm not a ponce!" Sirius pouted. At least, he tried to, but being drunk he simply ended up smacking his lips together in a fish like way, looking rather like the dead cod he'd made Remus have a 'conversation' with last time he turned up at Remus' house uninvited. And drunk. And oh god – why was it always _him _that had to deal with Sirius?!

"I thought that's why you were here?" Remus mentally killed himself the minute he'd said it. _Why?! Why did he have to go and put his foot in it!? _If he'd not mentioned a thing, Sirius would've probably have forgotten, heck, he _would've _forgotten. But not now. Oh no, not now! Thanks to Remus and his fat gob!

"Oh, yeah!" Sirius grinned as he stood up, clumsily walking towards Remus, "Giss a kiss, Remmie-poo!"

Remus shied away from him, putting a hand on Sirius' chest to keep him at bay. _Keep him talking! _That's what he had to do! Just keep him talking till he forgot again! "So why me, Sirius? Why not go see James?"

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "'Coz James is straight." _Implying what, exactly? _Remus' brain screeched. "Not to mention I already snogged James and it was weird." Remus' mouth dropped into a perfect 'o'. "And you like me."

Remus gaped at him, stuttering for what felt like a life-time whilst his mind froze and his stomach spasmmed, threatening to throw up its contents all over Sirius. Huh, the bloody mutt deserved it. If he'd been approaching the gates of hell when Sirius first turned up, he was well and truly up to the neck in hell-shit by now. Certainly felt like it. "_I _like _you!?" _he managed eventually.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "I just said that, Moony!"

"B-but how d-do you know that?!" he said, his voice somewhere in the region that only dolphins, bats and mutant fangirls can understand.

"Lily told me, silly!"

"B-but _why?"_

Sirius shrugged, "I dunno. So can I have a kiss then?"

Remus groaned in frustration, gripping his hair tightly and appearing really rather mad. _This just was _not _fair at all! How's he supposed to control himself around a more-than willing – and very, _very _drunk Sirius – that doesn't know what he's doing and will probably regret this in the morning?!_

Not fair!

"No, Sirius, you can't," he said gently, "Because Lily is one mean bitch who is going to find her husband missing a vital part of his anatomy when I get time because I know how much she _likes _said piece of anatomy."

Sirius cocked his head. "I don't-"

Remus hurriedly went on, "In other words, Sirius, you're going to go have a cold shower then you're going to sleep on my sofa and when you wake up in the morning, you can kiss me all you like."

Sirius' face lit up, and Remus hoped – desperately – that he'd heard the entire sentence and not just the 'you can kiss me all you like' part. Unfortunately, the local deity wasn't on Remus' side. Was he ever, come to it?

"Excellent!" Sirius said happily, clumsily falling into Remus and pushing the two of them backwards, Remus acquiring a rather painful would-be bruise on his hip and a larger one to his forehead when they accidently clunked heads together. _Oh, hi mum! What? This bruise? Oh, it's only from when my male best friend pushed me against a kichen work-top whilst he was trying to tongue-rape my mouth! But no biggie! Happens all the time!_

"Sirius!" he squeaked, "Get off me!" But Sirius was having none of it and had decided he'd rather kiss Remus' neck instead – at least, try to kiss Remus' neck, he _wasn't _slobbering on the werewolf, thank-you very much! "Sirius, you great fucking oaf! Get off! Honestly! If you don't get off within the next few seconds I will – _oh my god! Don't put your damn hand there!" _He all but yelled, voice going into dolphin/bat/mutant fan girl level again as he shot at least a good two feet in the air when a rather inquisitive hand cupped his groin.

_Christ on a bike! _Remus thought rather savagely to himself, _He was going to make Sirius pay tomorrow!_

Carefully extracting himself from Sirius' iron-clasp, he escaped to the safety of the hall where he collected his accidently-discarded wand and proceeded to make Sirius follow him into the bathroom, which was, thank heavens!, on the ground floor.

Once in there he was faced with a bit of a dilemma. Turning the shower on? Easy. Getting Sirius out of most of his clothes? Even easier. Not looking at Sirius' naked body? Difficult but do-able. Resisting Sirius' attempts to de-clothe _him_? Uhm. Hard. And not in the good way. Getting Sirius in the shower without joining him? Damn well impossible!

Sirius was clinging to him like a baby and Remus knew, he just _knew _thathe'd have to get in the damn shower with him! A cold shower. Just what he wanted right now (!) Clenching his teeth, and reassuring himself with plans for Sirius' immediate castration, he plunged the pair of them under the freezing cold water.

They both shrieked.

And gripped at each other in an attempt to hide from the cascade of Ice. Cold. Water.

Teeth chattering, Remus tried to sidle out but Sirius was having none of it. If _he _suffered, Remus was damn well suffering too! He kept Remus pinned against a wall until his lips had gone blue and he stopped fighting the fingers that were tugging at his shirt buttons. There was a brief tussle over the trouser-zip but then that was lost and Remus found himself standing in a cold-shower at twelve at night in his boxers with a sobering-up-Sirius and one hell of an erection from certain hands that wouldn't leave his damn body alone.

_"Sirius," _he growled when the hands slipped dangerously low, _"I swear I will murder you at the next available opportunity." _

Sirius laughed rather nervously.

"Can we get out of this damn buggering shower so I can put some clothes on?" Remus growled again, more a guttural noise than any real form of words.

Sirius whined, "But I like your body Rem,-" he emphasised said point by running a hand across Remus' chest and down, sliding it round to Remus' back, "- don't cover up!"

"I thought you came here to find out if you were gay, not rape me in my own damn shower!" Remus muttered through clenched teeth, glaring darkly at Sirius.

"But raping you is so much more fun!" He grinned, the grin sliding off his face and being replaced by a weak, watery kind of smile at Remus' death glare. "But seriously, one kiss, Rem, just one kiss and I promise I'll do whatever you tell me to."

Remus nibbled his lip, staring at Sirius' mouth as he thought about it. It wasn't such a bad offer, really. He'd wanted to kiss Sirius for quite a long time now – though most of his fantasies of them finally getting together (for some weird, _weird _reason) didn't involve a drunk Sirius or a cold shower – _and, _his sex-starved brain argued, _just one little kiss and they'd be back in the warmth, and who knows what one little kiss could lead to...? _Providing Remus didn't start humping his leg anytime soon, of course...

"Fine," he concluded eventually, "I will kiss you, if I must." He sighed, a true martyr sigh, resigning himself to his fate.

Sirius' face lit up eagerly, and he leant forward – still rather clumsy from the drink – and pressed their lips together in a small chaste kiss. Then he stared at Remus for a few seconds, licked his lips and leant in again, for a much-longer, much-hotter kiss. The heat that had been slowly burning in Remus' belly sparked and his hands flew up to play with Sirius hair and his mouth opened more fully and suddenly all he could _feel, sense, touch, taste _was _Sirius... _And Sirius was all his and his whole world and all he wanted was _Sirius... _

He was against the wall now, using it to support him because he didn't think his legs would and Sirius was pressing closer, and as naked skin touched naked skin, Remus felt that heat flare up, felt it burn its way down again and Sirius was even closer and – _oh god – _

But then Sirius pulled back – mouth and body, stumbling out of the shower and skidding across the floor, falling out the door and landing in the hallway.

Remus watched him with some amusement, chest still heaving and breathing too laboured to really be bothered with moving. Damn. One kiss and he felt like putty. Well, damn. He really was well and truly fucked. He leant his head back.

_Tap! Tap! Tap!_

He barely heard it above the roar of the shower, but heard it he did and his heart stopped beating for a full five seconds. He recognised that knock. Oh, double damn. _Melissa!_

With an aggravated sigh and a death-wish, he climbed out the shower – a little more gracefully than Sirius had – grabbed a towel and hopped over the inert Sirius stretched across the hallway. Pausing in front of the door to adjust the towel that was his one remaining chance at _some _dignity, he gingerly opened it a crack, making sure she couldn't see Sirius.

"Where's Sirius?" she sniffed, cheeks streaked with mascara-tears. Remus glanced over her shoulder and caught sight of the bike. _Fuck. _

"Er-"

She gave him an impatient stare and barged past, almost tripping over her own boyfriend in her haste to find him. "Sirius!" she cried, dropping down beside him, "What's the nasty Remus being doing to you this time?"

Sirius lifted his head and Remus wondered, briefly, if only he could see the panic in his eyes.

"Come on, darling, I'll get you home!" she cooed, stroking his arm, "And I'm sorry for what I said earlier-" Sirius goggled at her, "I didn't mean it really!"

Remus gagged. Honestly! Remus had absolutely _no _idea why Sirius liked her! She was – was – annoying, rude, pedantic, and she was –gasp - _female!_

"I – er – think he – er – should – er – maybe stay – er – here tonight?" Remus tried half-heartedly to save his friend, surreptitiously trying to hide his wand behind his back at the same time. Though why he was bothering to save Sirius was a mystery unto itself. It was the kiss. Yes. The kiss had completely messed him turned _The Glare _on him and he recoiled. "No! Sirius needs to come _home! _Not stay in this mangy dump with a pouf and a – a – weird, bookishly obsessed man!"

Remus cocked his head. Maybe he should explain to her that the pouf and weird, bookishly obsessed man were the same person? But then, she wasn't exactly the brightest sweet in the candy shop. Ah, well, that would be a story for another time.

She glanced at him again, then through the open bathroom door, "What the hell were you two doing? Showering together?"

And Remus panicked.

* * *

**A/N **Does anybody know the past-version of spasm, by any chance?

And I should've updated this ages ago, just never really got round to it. Hmm... Me having two multi-chap fics going at once... This could be interesting xD

Anyway. Just remember this was wrote at around four in the morning on cold coffee and lots of sugar. It does get even more hyper. Believe me //evil grin//

**Review =)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Will she be alright?" Sirius asked some five minutes later after they'd dragged an unconscious Melissa onto Remus' sofa.

Remus ducked his head, "I only stupefied her. She'll be fine!"

So why did it feel like they were trying to hide a murder when James showed up some fifteen minutes later? Remus resisted the urge to smash his head through the closest wall when he opened the door to a very anxious James. "Come to join the party?" he snapped.

A very abashed James had smiled weakly, "I'm sorry, Moony! I only just found out what Lily did and I thought I best come round to save you-"

"Save me?" Remus repeated hollowly, "What if we'd been quite happily shagging in the lounge by now?" he ignored James' wince, _"Or if he was raping me in the shower, per sae, which he's already damn well done!"_

James took a small step back, wringing a scarf between his hands, "Now, now, Remus. You must've liked it what with you wanting to-"

"Liked it?! Liked it?! I would've fucking_ loved_ it had Sirius not suddenly realised what he was doing!"

James blinked, "Sirius realised what he was doing?"

"Yeah," a disgruntled Remus admitted, "And then fell into the hallway. And then his damn girlfriend showed up-" _Fuck it all, _Remus thought angrily, _he was just such a smart mouth tonight, wasn't he?!_

James goggled even more. "His _girlfriend _showed up?" His mouth fell open. "So where is she now?" He looked around him, as though expecting her to be hiding under the table, or perhaps being murdered by the homicidal fridge.

"Follow me."

**.x0x.**

"Damn, Remus!" James whispered when he saw her laid there, "What the hell did you do? Go all physco on her?!"

"I panicked!" Remus uttered, throwing his hands in the air, "I panicked!"

James smirked, "Of course you did, mate. It's not like you have any reason what so ever for knocking out his girlfriend after she almost caught you making out in the shower!"

Reus flushed, "We were not _making out _at all! We- I was simply kissing him to get him to do what he was told!"

"Ooh! Was Padfoot being a naughty boy, Remus?"

Remus narrowed his eyes, "Fuck off, Potter. I'm already planning on castrating you! Don't make me vanish Lily's breasts or something!"

"You wouldn't!" James gasped.

Sirius chose that moment to interrupt, having sobered up rather quickly when a stupefied Melissa had fallen straight on top of him and a traumatised Remus had accidently trodden on his hand, "Guys, sorry to stop the sex-talk an all, but uhm, what are we meant to do with her?"

_Bury her in the back garden! _Remus thought crossly, _it's dark so the neighbours won't see and I've always said the old apple tree could do with some form of revival! Nutrients! What better than a rotting corpse!_

"No, Remus," James said, "I thought we'd told you not to bury the dead-bodies in the back-garden!? The police are going to start getting curious about the number of mounds out there!"

Whilst Sirius muttered, "I'm surprised there's any space left."

Remus scowled. He always started thinking out loud before he snapped – before he was suddenly laughing manically and thinking up world domination plans for him and Thomas the homicidal fridge.

"Obliviate her," Sirius said suddenly. "We take her back to her house and put her in bed then just... obliviate her!" He grinned.

James shook his head, "I'm not sure... Lily would disapprove and –"

"When was it she took your balls exactly, Potter? Was it before or after she moved in?" Sirius turned to Remus, "Personally, I think she's had them on her bedside cabinet since the first time he pulled her hair and she thumped him for it!"

"Hey!" James cried, clutching his crotch for effect, "I still have balls!"

"So use 'em, man!"

"But how do we get her into her house?" Remus asked suddenly, "We can't exactly walk up to her front door at this time of night carrying her, can we?!"

"How'd she get here?"

They all turned to the front-window, just in time to see a nice tow-truck come and pick up a pretty pink car that had been haphazardly parked in the middle of the road. They watched it until the truck had rounded a corner, the little car swinging wildly behind it.

"That, I'm guessing."

_Remus was _not _going to run after the truck screaming for mercy... he was _not...

They sighed. "Apparate her?" Sirius suggested.

Remus shook his head, "No. The sensation'll probably wake her and then she'll panic and then you'll splinch."

James, who was still stood at the window, turned round slowly. "We could always levitate her," he suggested carefully, "Attach her to the bike behind Sirius with a couple of spells so she doesn't fall off and then Sirius can take her off the bike and put at arm around her shoulders as though she's drunk once we get there. A simple levitation charm for that and we're sorted!"

"And if she falls off when Sirius is going sixty-mile per hour down a motor-way?" Remus asked, eyebrows raised.

James shrugged, "Sirius won't have to worry about dumping her anymore."

* * *

**Only a short chapter this time I'm afraid guys =) **

**I got one review for the last chapter and about eight story alerts... some reviews would be nice! //poutsulk// Nah, only joknig. It's good to know you guys are enjoying the story enough to put it on alert or favourite or whatever. And besides, it's probably karma telling me to start reviewing more - or replying to them - I'm terrible, I really am. Stupid bloody GCSE's. //grumble//**

**Well, the first ever live election debate thing-y's on tv. Who're you voting for (if you're British) by the way? I'm trying to understand Politics... //gulp//**

**Toodle-pip =)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

* * *

"I cannot believe we're doing this!" Remus hissed for the sixth time as they tried to attach a very limp – and very floppy – Melissa to the back of Sirius. Remus could've sworn that at least seven different neighbouring houses had all twitched their curtains at them. "Somebody might end up calling the damn police!"

"Shut-up, Remus," James hissed back, making a complicated movement with his wand and binding Melissa to Sirius with ropes.

"Huh, that doesn't look suspicious at all(!)" Remus said sarcastically, "He'll be arrested at the first traffic-light for bloody kidnapping her! And I am _not _breaking into a jail to bust him out!"

James' mouth thinned out but he refused comment, instead he tapped the ropes again to make them invisible. He jabbed her head and it flopped rather lifelessly against Sirius' shoulder. "It'll do," he announced, "She – er – might flop around a bit but she shouldn't fall off."

Remus didn't like the sound of _shouldn't fall off _at all, not one little bit. "And what about us?" he asked with a sidelong glance to James.

"Er-"

Remus sighed, "Thought so."

**.x0x.**

Flying down the motorway, clutching Sirius' waist, Remus screamed. They'd finally remembered about a _side cart _and then James and Melissa had been bundled in that because James would 'rather let the two nancies hug each other' and Remus had been put, mumbling obscenities, on the bike and a helmet jammed on his head whilst Sirius waved away all the insistences that he wore a helmet too.

_Where had a nice snog turned into a bloody escapade!_

Fingers long since gone numb from the tension in his grip on Sirius' jacket and the cold-wind whipping against them, Remus wondered if he'd ever get the chance to stroke Sirius' lovely, soft hair again or if God thought he'd had quite enough of his quota for hair-touching – his quota for life, in fact - and was going to smash them all to pieces in some awful accident.

With how the night was going so far, it seemed pretty likely.

And of course, because he was Remus, there was the sound of police sirens behind them.

When he died, he was going to be having some _serious _words with God! That is, if he didn't murder James or Sirius before the night was out and ended up in hell. Well, at least there was interesting people like Freddie Mercury and Mother Teresa there. Oh, wait...

Sirius reluctantly pulled over and Remus secretly sighed with relief at the terrifying ride being over. For now, anyway.

Sirius flicked his hair and stepped off the bike. "What's wrong, officer?" he smiled. Remus cringed. How sickeningly sweet and innocent could one smile be?! Not to mention it didn't quite sit right on Sirius. _Because he's not innocent... _

"You were speeding, son," the officer replied. Small, chubby and with a moustache that would've won Moustache of the Month several times over, he was a very typical English police officer. "And this seems a rather odd time to be going out for a nice drive." He indicated James and Melissa (who were luckily wearing helmets) with one, calloused hand that Remus could imagine putting handcuffs on their little gang. He flinched. That – No. No. He was scarred by that image.

Sirius laughed shortly. "I'm sorry, sir. It's my friend, see? He's a bit ill and we're trying to get him to hospital," he pointed to James as he spoke and something about the act made Remus think this was a common-occurrence. "I don't know what's wrong with him. He threw up a couple of hours ago and-"

"Blow this please."

Sirius did a double-take, _"Pardon?" _The images floated back to Remus of the policeman shackling them and now – He gagged.

"It's a breathalizer test, sonny jim. I'm betting your 'friend' here has simply had too much booze. Now do it."

Sirius nibbled his lip, then leapt back on the bike and took off, screaming, "STUN HIM, REMUS! STUN HIM!"

And Remus, clinging on for dear life, was forced to turn in his seat and shoot at the poor, old, confused officer that was shouting angrily after them, already running for his car. The fourth stunner hit him and it was with some relief Remus watched him crumple into his car.

What a night. _What a fucking night!_

Some ten minutes later, they pulled up outside Sirius' house. "Right," James said briskly, already out of the side-cart, and ignoring the well and truly shell-shocked Remus, "Right."

Sirius got off too, dumping Melissa's helmet in Remus' limp arms before taking Remus' helmet off him. He knocked on Remus' head and grinned, "Wake up, mate, it's your fault we're having to do this."

Remus snorted, snapping out of his reprisal, "I was having quite an ordinary night until you – in all your drunken glory – turned up on my doorstep!"

Sirius had the decency to look rather sheepish, "Ah, yes, well. Let's just get this done then we can go and have a nice beer at yours."

_Sirius... And _more _alcohol!? NO! _Remus blinked. "I don't think so. You can have water. I'm having a damn Firewhiskey! An entire bottle in fact!"

James paused in attempting to drag Melissa out of the side-cart to laugh, "Haven't even shagged yet and he's already driving you to drink?! Man, that must've been one bad kiss!"

Remus and Sirius made an affronted noise but it was Sirius that got there first and gave him a good crack round the head. "It was a very-" he caught Remus' eye and blushed, actually damn-well _blushed!_ Remus gawped at him. If anything good came from tonight it'd be in the form of blackmail. Definitely blackmail. "- perfectly adequate kiss," Sirius amended, clearing his throat.

Remus folded his arms stubbornly across his chest, hooting derisively.

James shook his head, muttering something along the lines of 'Damn fairies!' before staring pointedly at Sirius, "Are you going help me lift her? Or do you want to have to explain away the bruises and scrapes simply because you're too damn afraid to break a poncey nail!"

"Hey! My nails aren't poncey!"

James tutted, "Don't care. You've dragged me into this mess! The least you can do is break one little nail!"

"But they're so pretty –ow!"

"Help me! Otherwise next time that'll be your groin and it won't my elbow!"

"Ooh, are you coming onto me, Jamsie?"

"Remus! Control your future boyfriend before I cut off the fun parts!" James threatened, still trying to lug Melissa out of the cart. Except she seemed to have gained a stone since they'd lifted her out to the bike. And James was struggling, to say the least.

With Sirius' help, they'd just managed to haul her out when they heard the persistent tapping of footsteps and the yapping of a very tiny dog – _Mr Fluffykins; _Padfoot's arch nemesis.

"Oh, shit!" James mumbled and with a quick glance at Sirius, they swung Melissa behind the nearest bush in the front garden. Remus smiled at the thump; James and Sirius winced.

"Sirius?" the old woman walking the dog asked softly, Mr Fluffkins straining on his lead, "What a strange place to meet!"

Sirius smiled falsely, eyes suddenly zoning in on the very visible hand sticking out from behind the hedge.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

* * *

A moment of panic showed on his face before he said, "Mrs Rotherump! I could mention it's a bit of a strange time to be walking a dog!"

She giggled – Remus suppressed the urge to gag – and patted Sirius' arm. "True, Sirius, tru-" Her eyes, of course, spotted the hand, "What on earth's that, dearie? My, it looks like a hand!" Remus went cold all over. _*sigh* So they'd have to kill Mrs Rotherump now, too..._

"What was that your nice friend just said?" she asked a little sharply, giving Remus a curious glance. Remus couldn't bring himself to care.

"He's slight on the retarded side," Sirius jumped in, "Out on leave at the moment aren't you, Remus?"Remus bared his teeth. "Uhm. Yes. Anyway. A hand, Mrs Rotherump?"Sirius said, managing to sound relatively surprised, though Remus guessed it was probably more to do with the absolute disbelief at the rotten luck they seemed to have at the moment. _Huh, join the club! _Remus thought bitterly.

"My, yes! Down, there! Look!"

Sirius turned accordingly, pausing as though examining it, then putting a hand on her arm – he was going to disinfect that hand, Remus decided, before Sirius touched him again – he laughed. "Dear me, Mrs Rotherump! It's the new flowers Melissa planted!"

She laughed too, jerking the lead that Mr Fluffykins was almost hanging himself on in his haste to reach Sirius' ankle, "Oh, my! My eyesight isn't what it used to be, Sirius, forgive me! Here I was thinking you were hiding bodies behind your hedges!"

Sirius laughed somewhat manically, pulling Mrs Rotherump away and urgently motioning for James and Remus to move Melissa.

Sliding off the bike somewhat reluctantly, Remus deposited the helmets on the floor and hurried to grab Melissa's legs. Between him and James, they managed to half-drag her up the steps to the front door when they realised they had yet another problem.

The damn door was locked.

Why wasn't Remus surprised?

They hurriedly searched her pockets but nothing. So he checked in the fail-safe cliché of the under the mat and what was this... finally! A bit of luck! Remus almost dropped to his knees in a thankful prayer there and then, but one look at James who was gasping for breath with the effort it was taking him to not let her fall down the stairs – he hadn't trusted Remus to do that job, funnily enough – and Remus thought it could probably wait.

He fumbled with the key, trying to force it in the lock before it slipped from his nervous, sweaty fingers. James and Remus watched it fall in slow-motion as it bounced off each step and disappeared into the gloom of the garden.

Remus felt his stomach drop.

"Bugger me," he said, sitting down, "Buggering bugger me!"

"Think Sirius would rather to do that, thanks," James replied, sitting down next to him and propping Melissa between them like some terrible rag doll. "What a night!" James whispered, sounding rather awe-struck, "I forgot how much fun you two can be without the whole 'i-wanna-shag-you-but-I-daren't-thing'."

Remus turned his head sharply, "What?"

"Oh come on! The secret looks? The _lingering _touches? The - god forbid it – sickeningly sweet _embraces?_ Quite frankly, it's been obvious for weeks. Just surprised it took Melissa this long to nag Sirius about it."

"Yeah, well, she's not the brightest sweet in the store, is she?" He put his elbows on his knees and rested his chin on his hands, all glum-like and depressing, "Hey! Wait! You said it's been obvious for _ages?"_

James nodded, "Why d'ya think I've been inviting you two round to mine?! Didn't dare visit either of you because I was so frightened of gaining the sort of images you hate, despise and really want to get rid of but they have the nasty habit of floating back at awkward moments – like when you're shagging your wife, for instance."

"Oh." Remus sighed, wondering what the hell was taking Sirius so long. "Do you ever get the feeling you just want to slit your wrists and be done with it?"

"Can't say I do."

"Well, I do. Right now. First off I have to fend off Sirius when I'd quite like to do what he was suggesting, then I – uhm – _overreact _and knock out his girlfriend, then I have to ride a motorbike and stun a policeman and then – then – _I'm thinking about murdering some innocent old woman! And _I'm having to stop Melissa from falling down the stairs when I'd quite like to push her down them!" He turned, white faced, wide eyed to James, "Why me? Why does God _hate _me?"

"He gave you a moment in the shower with him, right?"

"Yeah," Remus nodded somewhat reluctantly, "Though a couple of seconds later and we'd-"

James smiled tightly, shaking his head, "Spare me the details, fairy-boy."

"You used to always tell us about Lily and – ugh –!" Remus gave off a scream of frustration, "What the hell's taking him so long anyway!? I'd quite like to be home by three!" He stood up, peering into the darkness, "Oi! Gayboy!" he bellowed into it, "Get your arse back here before I have to hurt it!"

"Hmm. Depends on _how _you're planning on hurting my arse?" came the smooth, velvet-y reply.

"Oh not in the good way!" Remus threatened. Something touched his backside in that moment – something soft and distinctly hand shaped. He yelped, flying into the air and managing to throw himself down the steps.

With a groan, he lifted his head off the ground to see James, in hysterics, waving Melissa's hand around. Climbing to his knees, he realised he'd also managed to fall at Sirius' feet. "I hate you," he told those feet rather venomously, "You've caused me so much trouble in the past hour I can honestly say I'd feel absolutely _no _remorse _what so ever _if I wrung your neck!"

But Sirius, always the one to think with his dick, wasn't listening. He winked at Remus and said, "I could think of some better used you could put that mouth to whilst you're down there," despite James' sudden wretch and Remus stumbling to his feet.

"I think I'd rather bite it off right now," Remus warned, grimacing, "That's how much I hate you."

Sirius swung a friendly arm around his shoulders – which was quickly shrugged off – and laughed, "Bloody hell, James! There _must _be something wrong with him! He's turning down an opportunity to suck on the most immense, the most amazing, the most fantastical-"

"I can't imagine why," James said dryly, as they finally joined him and Melissa on the top step. "So, have you got the key?"

Sirius' smile faltered, "You mean there isn't one under the mat-?"

"We-lost-the-one-under-the-mat," Remus snarled through clenched teeth, "You-live-here. Where's-your-_fucking_-key?"

"Well, it _was_ under the mat until _you_ lost it."

Something inside Remus clicked. _Was a quiet night in _really _too much to ask for, honestly?!_ Remus shoved Sirius backwards. "I hate you! I hate you! I-"

"Want to fuck you!" James interrupted lazily, "Oh, sorry, did you say something?"

"If I had my wand I would jinx the fucking pair of until there was nothing left-"

"Why don't you have your wand?" Sirius asked suspiciously, "You stunned the police-officer-"

"Yeah! With _your_ wand!" Remus cried hysterically, "I left mine at home so I stole yours out of your pocket then put it back!"

He reached behind Sirius and pulled out the wand. "See?"

"Oh, look," James said delightedly, "Remus pulled your wand out! Get it, eh? Eh? Eh?"

Remus swung, instinctively, and unleashed whatever spell was foremost in mind towards James – who, luckily, ducked in time. With a blast like a bomb, the door exploded inwards taking a good chunk of the wall with it.

As the dust settled, Remus guiltily handed the wand back to Sirius. "I – er – think perhaps you should look after this."

Sirius nodded, pocketing it again rather dumbly, staring at what had once been his front-door, "Do you think my insurance will cover this?"

James, whom had recovered some of his bravado after almost having his head blown off, joked rather nervously, "Well, at least we don't have to worry about a key no more."

.x0x.

"So she'll be fine here, then?" Remus asked. He'd let James and Sirius carry her upstairs whilst he trailed behind, feeling like a funeral mourner. They'd dumped her in her bed, quickly healing the few bruises she'd somehow (Remus) managed to acquire on her way over which had absolutely nothing to do with being thrown behind a hedge...

James nodded, pressing his wand between her eyes. "_Obliviate," _he whispered.

"Shouldn't I be the one to do that?" Sirius asked, hovering over her as though he cared.

James snorted, "You'd make her forget her own name!"

Sirius smirked, "I've done that before!" Remus pretended not to hear.

"So what now?" Remus asked, hardly letting himself believe it but - "Home?" he asked brightly.

The other two men nodded. "And you can drop me off on your way back," James told them.

"You're giving me money for petrol though," Sirius snorted, "Coz your house isn't on the route back to Remus' at all!" Remus wondered briefly if that meant Sirius was coming home with him...

"Money for what?"

"Just give him money, James, then we can all go home," Remus said, a dangerous glint his eye that reminded James he'd almost had his head blown up by this loon so perhaps it would be a good idea to do as he says...?

"S-sure," James stammered, pulling a wallet out his back pocket and emptying the contents into Sirius' astonished hands, keeping his eyes on Remus' to check that glint was gradually receding. "L-let's all go home now!"

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**Just a short chapter this time. Sorry for not posting sooner!**

**Seven chapters, so over soon. **

**Review =]**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER! YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD-ARSE EXCUSE WHY YOU'RE SO DAMN LATE!"

James cringed as he walked through the door, followed by Remus and Sirius – another stroke of bad luck caused by Sirius' incessant need to pee. Lily watched the three men walk in, taking in the many bruises on Sirius and Remus and the weird dust covering the three had. "What the hell have you three done _now?"_

"Nothing!" they insisted together, Sirius rushing past them all for the toilet. Except he tripped on the hall carpet and landed face-first on the stairs, groaning and clutching his groin. "Ow!" he complained loudly, "Ow!"

"Get Remus to kiss it better," James smirked. Said smirk died on his face when he saw Lily's dragon-lady expression. "I mean – uh – that's if Remus _wants _to kiss it better, of course-"

"Which Remus does," Sirius added, "And I know that because-"

"Go to the damn toilet," Remus hissed, ears going red. "And you!" he rounded on Lily once Sirius had disappeared from view, "sending a _drunk, horny _Sirius round to my house! I have done things tonight that – _seen _things tonight – that would make your stomach curdle! I have been to hell and I'm still not back! I have been humiliated, bruised, hurt and above all _tormented _since you sent the very epitome of terror round to my house at eleven o'damn clock! I _swear! _Even if you have fantasies about me and him getting together, I'd rather sort it out _when he isn't fucking drunk!"_

Lily gaped. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"That- that _idiot-" _Remus seethed, "-told me that _you _told him I liked him!"

She looked aghast, hand half-way to cover her mouth in shock, "I did no such thing!"

If it had been James, then Remus would've assumed he was lying. If it had been Peter, Remus would've assumed he was lying. If it had been Melissa, Remus would've _known _she was lying, if it had been Sirius then Remus would – oh.

He rounded on James, "YOU WERE IN ON IT! YOU WERE IN ON IT AND YOU STILL LET HIM COME ROUND TO MINE! YOU CAME ROUND BECAUSE YOU FOUND OUT HE WAS DRUNK AND YOU _KNOW _I GET TEMPTED TO KILL DRUNK!SIRIUS WHENEVER I'M FORCED IN HIS COMPANY! ONE OF THESE DAYS, PRONGS, I AM _SO _GOING TO DE-ANTLER YOU!"

"Now, now, Remus," James said, backing away, "It was all just a little joke-"

"A JOKE! A _joke? _You know how much I like Sirius! What would've happened if he'd been – been disgusted or – or –" Remus' voice cracked on something that sounded very much like a sob and he stopped talking, throwing himself down into the only kitchen chair.

Wow, wasn't he being overly emotional tonight?

He could almost feel James and Lily silently communicating over the top of his head, saying what a nutcase he was and how they wished he'd bugger off so they could have a lovey dovey shag. Oh, the whole damn _love _they exuded made him feel sick, _sick!_

_And jealous. _

He set his head down on the table. He. Wanted. To. Go. Home. _Now. _He wanted to be able to curl up with a book in _his _bed and forget about what he and Sirius had _almost _done in his shower (_Almost, Remus! _Almost!_ Emphasis on the almost!)._

"I want to go home," he sniffled, "All I've wanted to do all night is go home! But luck's determined that me not being at home is the best course of action and now I'm _homesick _and I've only been gone two hours!

James patted him on the back as Lily set about making tea. "Oi, Padfoot," James hollered as a sudden afterthought, "Make show you open the window on your way down!"

"Cheeky sod!" came a faint, answering voice, "I was admiring the new photo's that've just gone up!"

Remus caught James' expression. "James," he said slowly, feeling empty, "You haven't actually put any new photo's up, have you? Sirius has somehow managed to take photos all night, hasn't he?""

James looked as scared as Remus felt and Remus' stomach suddenly clenched and disappeared. He was pissed. More than pissed! He was going home right now, dammit all! Luck, fate, whatever the hell it was, was no longer claiming his life! Remus Lupin was taking the reins again!

Stomping upstairs, he dragged Sirius by his ear through the house and down to his bike with hurried goodbyes to the Potters. From there, he clamped helmets on both their heads and gripped Sirius' jacket tightly, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around Sirius' waist – _agh! _

Remus, almost flying off as they hit a speed-bump at sixty-miles per hour, quickly gave into that urge and buried his face – well, his helmet – into Sirius' neck.

There was something rather pleasant about this, he realised, now they didn't have Sirius' unconscious girlfriend with them or James cracking jokes. He could feel the deep thrum of the bike between his legs, the heat from Sirius' body seeping into his and his hands – hang on! _What the hell were his hands doing?_

The bike swerved dangerously and Remus gulped.

_Yes, _he thought, _he really was groping Sirius as they drove – _he peeked over Sirius' shoulder – _(fuck!) ninety-miles per hour down a deserted motorway in the middle of the night. _He mentally slapped himself.

It had been a very, _very _long night.

Well, fuck. He was going to grope Sirius while he got chance.

He'd just managed to tease Sirius' button open – causing very wonky driving, which a now preoccupied Remus couldn't care less about – when police sirens chased them for the second time that night.

Sirius pulled over again and attempted with trembling fingers to pull his helmet off. Remus wasn't giving up, however, and managed to slip his hand inside the zip at the exact moment the police-man walked over.

And that was it. The icing on the cake.

It was the same damn police office as before! Except he now had a huge, red mark on his head - presumably from the stunner.

Remus cringed. _Absolutely fucking perfect...!_

_

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Exceptionally short chapter this time! But anyway. Enjoy =] Only one more chapter to go!


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